Let me explain. I'm the first born out of 7 kids (blended family) and I typically find myself being the surrogate mother and take care of things when they pop up. There have been times when one might be in trouble for something and I could be two states away and they would call me to help fix the mess or tell them what they should do. I actually love this role of my life and I really have never known anything different.
Well, last week I was talking to my youngest sister and she asked me what was wrong, I said, I don't really know. I just feel like I've been in a funk and I can't put my finger on it. She said, "you don't have me to take care of anymore". I'm like, what? She said, "I don't have cancer anymore". You finally find yourself without someone or a project to focus on she basically said and you don't know what to do with yourself. At the time I said maybe you are right. After we hung up the phone I started thinking about what she said and I thought, she might actually have a point. Then I thought to myself, do I always do this? Do I find "projects" whether it be people or foundation or reorganizing my house a thousand times over just to avoid facing my own feelings or grief?
So, I asked my other sister if this really is what I do and I made her be honest. I'm pretty sure she didn't hesitate to say, um, yes!
Well, there you go. Even now, after I thought I knew myself pretty well by now, I discover something I guess I never realized.
I knew when Chad would deploy I would try to find a project to keep me busy and my mind off the danger he was in (if that was even possible), but I always figured that was more for Tebo and my family than for me. Then when Chad passed away apparently I've been keeping busy with various other "projects" that I truly did not realize what I was doing. I'm not really sure if I have even gone through a large portion of grief yet as I haven't had some of the stages "they" say you go through yet. I'm not so sure I want to, honestly.
So after having two sisters states apart from each other confirm this to me, I guess it is time for me to face the fact. I would rather take care of someone else, or work on our foundation, or a project than for someone to take care of me or to face my true feelings.
I would like to say that I will change that about myself, but I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen any time soon. I actually prefer to help someone else or take care of them than to think about how I might be feeling, because honestly, I don't know if I want to uncover that just yet.
Is that healthy? Probably not, but right now, that's all I can promise.
So don't be surprised if you are going through something and I find out about it that you don't become my "project" for the moment. Apparently no one is safe from me. LOL! I will say this, I'm glad I have family and friends that just accept me for who I am and just let me be me. I am pretty sure I would drive myself crazy if the shoe were on the other foot.
|Before my world blew up...|